Sandra Forbes Relationship Solutions - Blog

Thriving After Divource

4/10/2019

First you grieve. After all, you did not get married planning on it ending in divorce so the loss of hopes and dreams can be tremendous. If there are children most people worry most about the impact on their children. If they are the one who instigated the divorce they may feel badly about hurting their former partner. Leaving time and space for processing these strong emotions is critical. A journal can help.

If you find that the feelings and reactions are pervasive try dedicating time each day say ten to twenty minutes to reflect on and experience the loss. Set it aside and if the feelings are triggered through the day take a slow deep breath and allow the feeling to pass like clouds in front of a mountain. This can help you focus on your work or other important things that you need to do.

Choose to let go of bitterness and focus on the life you want to create going forward. If this is hard pick a physical representation i.e. a pebble for each bitter thought. Feel how heavy that container of pebbles is. Do you really want to carry that around forever? Gradually lay down those pebbles one at a time over the next while until you are free of the weight of them.

Forgive. Forgive your self, learn from your mistakes and understand your part in what lead to the demise of the relationship. Forgive your ex partner. This does not mean you are saying the things they did were OK but that you don't want to carry rage, bitterness contempt or resentment moving forward. They were not perfect that is for sure. They are indeed human however. As are you.

Don't dwell on how your partner’s life is unfolding. Take your energy back and put yourself five years out. If you were to have lived the life you wanted in those five years. What would it have looked like? Sounded like? Felt like? Contained? What experiences would be there? What would it have felt like?

Take care of yourself a lot of energy is required to deal with the physical demands of change and the emotional losses not to mention supporting other family members who have been effected. Some studies have said divorce is harder then death because of the support that is there for widows and widowers. I don't know if that is true but I do know it helps to have someone you trust that you can talk to.

Don't put your kids in the idle or anyone else for that matter. Your relationship with your ex was up to you and your partner no one else. The feelings you have are also between the two of you.

Accept differences in parenting besides that may have one of the reasons you have separated! Don't expect your ex partner to be any different then they were while you were married. Otherwise well you might still be together right?

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Grief: The danger of overcoming

2/20/2019

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Click When we lose someone we love it generates overwhelming distress and feared to be unbearable emotions. Extreme physical symptoms ensue. No matter how much support we have around us emotions scream at us and our bodies react to the perceived danger of pain.

These reactions are really our bodies taking care and are a natural response. They are not something to be overcome necessarily or beaten through. The feelings are messy, yet we are in the right place. When we consider that:

RESILIENCE implies a strong speedy return to an original form after being bent or compressed;

OVERCOME means to prevail over;

RECOVER means to regain or get again then is seems as if grief is something dangerous that we should flee from, or battle or fight.

The loss is great and it is painful. Grief is our way of healing, albeit anguishing. There is no going back to the way it was before, much as we would like to. Turning away from pain means turning away from the radical growth that has been forced upon us.

Healing takes place at the base of the soul and this involves pain. When we break a limb, there is a thicker denser bone that is reformed. Strength comes from this. When we emotionally live through and with grief and pain, the opportunity we have is to develop:

FORTITUDE. The emotional strength from facing difficulty and adversity especially over the long haul.

We BEAR the pain. This means we carry and endure. We also learn that we CAN carry and endure.

COURAGE is facing fear and doing something anyway. It is truly COURAGEOUS to face the intense pain and the loss that feels as if it will break you. We learn we can persevere and withstand.

From this comes TRANSFORMATION. Transforming happens when we go through a dramatic change.

Is grief pleasant? No it hurts. It breaks us down. It transforms us. We can never go back. We learn we have little control and this makes us humble and teachable, Hanging on by our fingernails expresses fortitude and courage. We learn we CAN hang on. Viscerally understanding that nothing in life is guaranteed unleashes gratitude for what is in the present in a way that we otherwise could not deeply understand.

We need time to slow down. Time and space to feel supported in taking as long as we need. We need to distract ourselves so that we can regain the energy to face the pain again- not to run away. We need to respect that we are strong even as we are falling apart. We are breathing, enduring, developing fortitude and a courage that will forever transform us. There is not closure, only transformation after coming back together again in a new way.

How can we help those we love who are grieving? Be present with compassionate understanding. That is the light. Sit with and help people bear what they need to. Encourage people to slow down and take the time they need with their sense of brokenness and pain.

We will carry the scars of loss, yet those scars are what remind us we are strong, we endured with fortitude, we can appreciate what is and we have courage.

It is OK not to overcome, to prevail over. It is Ok to move through, sit with, bear, breathe, and to hang on by your fingernails as long as it takes. There will be a transformed normal, a new place built on the strength that has grown through the tangled and sharp edges of grief.

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The Power of Mindful Attention and Empathy never gets old.

3/29/2017

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When we are fully present for another person, when we really listen with our hearts, mind, body and soul we perhaps can put ourselves in their shoes. If someone is hit with a hard object and is bleeding, what do we do? We move in. We console, we seek to understand what exactly is wrong, where to be tender, where to apply pressure. Emotional wounds are not that different. When we have hurt someone, they are wounded. When they have been worn down by a situation, they need care. Leaning in and paying mindful attention with acceptance is the first step. Exploring what they need. Discerning where to be tender and what expressing a heartfelt understanding of the other's experience is the first step to repair and healing.

If this sounds easy, it is, but it takes practice. Then what gets in the way? Why do we often miss the boat? The reason is that we get in the way. We think about ourselves as the other is talking, we get defensive and perhaps feel shame around the ways we might have contributed to the other's painful experience. In other words we are not attending mindfully to the other. We are attending to our own response. We may be taking their feelings personally. We want to defend, to offer solutions or suggestions. Any one of these processes could be at play.

Next time your partner, friend or family member tries to talk to you, set yourself side, lean in, open your ears, mind and heart to understand what they see, hear and feel. It is not about you, or fixes, or solutions (unless they are asking for one) even if they are talking about you. You need only listen and deeply try to step in their shoes for a short while. Reflect back what you understand they are feeling, expressing and seeing. It likely makes sense after all
when you see it through their lens.

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Love, Life and Conflict

11/7/2013

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People come to see me with broken hearts, anger, sadness, hurt and anxiety. They often tell me they have communication problems. They talk about concerns, and the details of their lives that are contributing to distress. When one partner talks, the other often is reacting whether inwardly or outwardly. They may respond by defending themselves, explaining, agreeing disagreeing or blaming. These responses net more of the same back the other way and so it goes. Sometimes these patterns have gone on for years so that layer upon layer of anger and perhaps seemly small bits of resentment build. The couple feels intimacy is waning or lost and hope seems far away. In short, they miss each other.

Sometimes when couples miss each other they begin to talk about a feeling of falling out of love. Resentments build walls, walls block painful emotions but also emotions of love, joy and passion. The first step to finding each other again means getting back in touch with yourself. Ask Yourself: What is your body telling you? What are the thoughts swirling around in your mind? How do you feel and what triggered this reaction? Pay attention and learn what you can about where you are at. From this place of self understanding you can you begin to determine how to approach a discussion with your partner.

Once you can manage and be aware of your own reactions, you are in a position to really listen to your partner. Not to the words but to the softer calling and yearning behind their walls. They may say "Why weren't you home until midnight last night !" , the softer message may be, "I really miss you. I yearn to be close." It feels so different to respond to a sponge thrown your way rather then a brick. So much easier to say then:"i miss you too. "I am sorry I was so late." rather than a long defensive description or worse an attack back.

Changing patterns of communication is not easy, particularly with such strong emotion involved. We are here to walk with you on the journey to a more passionate life and relationship. Contact us to learn more about where to start.

Sandra

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Communication Series: Hot reactions to those you love

10/16/2011

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I have had two sessions this week that are staying with me. Both have some common themes: Reactions are so intense it is hard for partners to respond to each other without doing more damage to the relationship and yet love is professed with passion. How is that when it is so critical not to make things worse it is the very thing that people in fact do?

Anxiety, hurt, anger and fear send a plethera of stress chemicals through the blood stream and lead to a heightened reactions that are hard to control. A fight or flight sequence is set off and there seems to be no going back. What a contrast to what happens when falling in love. When we fall in love the ventral tegmental region of the brain sends dopamine to the system responsible for focus, energy elation and motivation. It feels good and gives us what we need to find a partner. Compare that for a minute to what happens when we feel rejected. There is activity in the tegmental region of the brain and there is also activity in the nucleus accumbens...the same region that becomes active when you are addicted to coccaine. What follows? Cravings! Craving the person who rejected us. No wonder it is so hard to keep our emotions in check and to think before we react. How hard to choose words carefully when cravings for closeness have been heightened. Add to this the basic human need for love and attachment and it can be a recipe for disaster.

What can you do to turn the craving for closeness into an action that is helpful and will not further damage the relationship? First of all commit yourself to find a new way to handle things and to react. Set your intentions firmly in this direction. Set blame aside. Without this commitment it is next to impossible to make a change given the physical response your brain and overall system has set in motion. Try the following Excersize and see what happens. Notice some times this week when you are faced with a situation that was challenging; where you felt the connection with your partner was weak, you were hurt, afraid or angry. Pay attention to what you body was doing. Were your teeth clenching? Your shoulders rising? Your stomach churning? Your handscurled up into fists? Everybody is different so get to know yourelf. Next, go back and get in touch with what you were thinking. The thoughts that run through your mind are the keys to finding a new way so, reflect carefully on the types of things you were saying to yourself. Next, what were you feeling? People get thoughts and feelings mixed up sometimes. Feelings are sad, happy, afraid, angry, furious. If you are saying to yourself " I felt like he was unfair"..this is a thought, the feeling may have been disappointment, anger, frustration, let down or sadness for example. Now what did you do..what action did you take? Did you yell back, explain, walk away, strick out or verbally lash out?

Write it down. Jot down three situations you experienced this week that were troubling. Wriete down how your body responded, as well as your thoughts, feelings and actions. This a a great place to start. Now you know yourself just a little better. Next time you are faced with a similar situation, you can decide to do at least one thing differently. Perhaps you will unclench your teeth, take three deep breaths, tell yourself to stop, to slow down, to hear. It takes practice and patience to find a new way of being in a relationship. It is worth the effort becaseu after all love is a verb.

You can see us at 249 McLeod Street in Ottawa or 300 March Rd in Kanata on the 4th floor. This is directly across from the museum of Natural History. We have a facebook page called Relationship Solutions that you can check out as well. There will be tips, hints and hot topics relevant to your love life and personal hopes and dreams.

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Thriving After Divource

Grief: The danger of overcoming

The Power of Mindful Attention and Empathy never gets old.

Love, Life and Conflict

Communication Series: Hot reactions to those you love

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